Struggling to Connect

 P.S. This is not me! :)

This pregnancy has been different in so many ways to when I was KU with the Ty-man.  For starters, all these symptoms are new OR way worse:

1. nausea
2. exhaustion
3. body acne
4. gas!!
5. huge ass!
6.  headaches
7. shortness of breath & racing heart

On top of all of that fabulous loveliness...I have been struggling to "connect" with this little guy/girl.  I don't know if it's the IF holding me back, and the idea that at any moment we could lose him/her.  I guess it could be the fact that the motion that I "thought" was motion, has since disappeared, then reappeared, then disappeared again (was that my stomach rumbling, or gas, or the baby, or....).  Or could it be the fact that I don't know what I'm having yet...could that help the connection??? 

I, of course, have my own theories.  I believe that it's a mixture of the bitterness of IF and all the struggles we went through that has forced me to be so cautious that it's a scary concept to be ::gasp:: just happy, coupled with the fact that I'm completely wrapped up in my already created family and the time it takes to give my all to them, and a little dash of straight fear in there somewhere.  I am quite afraid of lots these days.  Could something go wrong?  What if I don't love this one as much as my 1st? (I hear that one is normal). How will I handle TWO KIDS?!?  Will I still have time for what I like to do when we are tag-teaming little ones?  Will I still be able to find time to have a great relationship with my fabulous husband when we're busy changing diapers and dealing with an energetic toddler?  How will we get it all done, and afford it all, before the LO arrives?!  I'm just so overwhelmed by worry.

My hubby says I overanalyze things too much, and that I try to over-plan and over-control things.  Since I can't control what's happening to my body, or how my LO reacts in there...it's driving me bonkers (If I could...I think he/she could drive me to drink...heavily...oh how I miss you alcohol!!!!).  He's probably right, damn it I hate how well he knows me.  I just hope all this mind F-ing takes a vacation so I can finally enjoy the miracle of this baby!