Insane in the Membrane

This is seriously how I feel when I have down time.  Thank God my teaching job keeps me running around, with no time to analyze every symptom, or lack thereof.  Hallelujah for high school kids who ask so many questions that I have no room in my brain to question what might be happening or not happening in my womb.  I'm a basketcase!  I'm not sure if it's the 2 m/c, thebump and all the loses we experience on the boards everyday, google, my family, or myself that is making me question my sanity.  I desperately want to be happy, I want to jump for joy and shout our news from the rooftops, but I can't.  I worry every time I get a chance that we might lose this baby.  I worry the baby isn't progressing, I worry I'll see blood next time I use the bathroom...I just worry.  When Mike and I were TTC, we always talked about how wonderful it will be to have the weight off our shoulders and really be back to our happy selves when we finally got KU.  We dreamed of being carefree, not worrying about charts, temping, injections, timing, appointments and the like. 

We longed for having each other back, fully, with no sadness, frustration, moodiness & question marks.  Now we're here...it's really happening...and I can't bring myself to let go.  What's wrong with me???  I've made it past the early days when I had my m/c's, barely...but we're past that milestone.  Why can't I be positive?  I know my negativity could be affecting the fetus.  I need to snap out of it.  So I'm going to do my very best to stick to my new motto (to match with my blog theme of course)

1st u/s: A View From Below

This morning we had our first u/s and I was beyond nervous.  I was so nervous that I got to the Doctor's office over 30 minutes early.  So instead of sitting in the parking lot feeling nervous, I stopped off at McDonalds to use the facilities and burn some time. 

Dr. Chin was very calming, as always, and seemed optimistic about my betas, progesterone numbers, and symptoms.  He answered a few of my questions, then started with the trans-vaginal u/s. For those of you that have no idea what that is, don't feel bad.  I'm too early for the traditional u/s, so the Dr does them through the who-ha to get a better look at my uterus, and the development in there.  Here's a fun visual for those of you wondering...if you get queasy...skip ahead:) 

I didn't know what to expect, and I was praying to see something.  Quicky after the procedure started, a very irregularly shaped sac came into view.  There was my "baby".  The gestational sac is a good sign, since my m/c have both been early.  We couldn't see the baby yet, since it's less than 3mm in size, but the sac was 18mm, measuring right on at 5.5 weeks.  We were relieved, but still cautious.  I go in again in 1 week, on Monday the 6th, for another TVu/s.  The Dr said I'd see the baby this time, hopefully, and get to see a HB (not time to hear it quite yet...but seeing is believing right??!!).  They also took b/w and my progesterone levels were above 20, which is what they want to see.  I'm ready for next week!  :)   

Here are the beginnings of our lovebug!

SIF Blows: Overview of the Sucky-ness!

Although we are cautious, I finally feel like this one might stick!  With that being said, we've been on a helluva journey for the past 13 months.  IF blows, and SIF is not any fun either.  I felt broken, tired, depressed, angry, frustrated and like my life was on pause.  I felt like I wasn't myself, and every thought during my day surrounded my temperature, what day of my cycle I was on, what drugs am I taking, what Dr appt do I have coming up, how many days till I can test, how dark was that line, and on and on and on.  Once you start your family, you think that everything else will just fall into place.  All your timing will work out, and you'll have your little family unit in a hurry.  When that doesn't happen, it's a very painful reality.   

There are countless women I've gotten to know through this process that are struggling to have their first.  They are so strong and focused, and I admire them greatly. Their journeys inspired me to push on.  They also reminded me to be humble and greatful of what I already have.  With that being said, struggling through any type of IF is difficult.  

When we started trying for #2, I thought it would take some time, but never in a million years did I think I would be past the year mark and still hoping for a chance to expand our family.  When we were trying for Ty, I knew I had a short LP (that's luteal phase for you non-bumpies - the time between ovulation and AF).  It was a problem then, but we got extremely lucky on our 4th cycle and Ty came along.  With this time, my LP was even shorter, sometimes as short as 7-8 days.  I knew it was a problem.  When the first m/c happened around Christmas, I was devastated, but still hopeful.  When the second one happened in April, I was a shell of myself.  Having to untell my family, and go through the m/c during a very happy event (my cousin's wedding), was heartbreaking.  To see "pregnant" then a few days later start bleeding and see "not pregnant" on those digis was awful.  Those that haven't gone through a m/c don't realize that you love that life inside you INSTANTLY!  The minute you see there's life growing, you become attached, and maternal.  So to lose it a few days later, rips your heart out!

After that m/c, we decided to see a specialist.  Thank God we did!  Our RE (that's reproductive endocrinologist for you non-bumpies again) is very well-respected in the area, and I am convinced he's a genius.  He's amazingly good at what he does.  He doesn't perform IVF, and focuses on the least invasive methods of IF treatment first, exhausting all efforts before moving on to more difficult and expensive procedures.  I respect him very much for his approach.  Some of his ideas...however...made me pissed off.  When we first met he found out my license plate was RUNR8 and he said "oh, we're going to butt heads me and you", then he proceeded to tell me he did his dissertation on running and IF.  He said that he was almost 100% convinced my running was contributing to my SIF.  WHHHAAATTT???? Is what I was thinking.  I'm healthy and thin, how could that make me a broken infertile???You're going to ask me...me the running freak...to not run?  You must be bonkers!!  But that's exactly what he did...and...I complied as best I could.  First he had me cut it down to 20mi/wk (from 35-40mi/week I might add), then the next appt 15mi/wk, then finally 10mi/wk.  I was miserable...and going to a lot of spin classes...but I wanted another miracle so badly I was willing to do ANYTHING, even lose a piece of myself (at least that's how it felt)! 

Fast forward to the millions of test we had done (lots...I mean lots...of blood!!!) and here were the results:
horomones were normal - only issue was progesterone during LP (due to my running & weight he said)
no clotting factors
no thyroid issues
MTHFR mutation - 1 gene mutation that prevents me from metabolizing folic acid & B vitamins, which can be a problem in TTC (that's trying to concieve for non-bumpies)
HSG showed clear tubes

My DX:  LPD (luteal phase defect), RPL (reaccurant pregnancy loss) & MTHFR mutation.
His RX:  less exercise, gain 5-10lbs, take MTHFR supplements 2x/day, progesterone supps
Our Fert Plan:  ovidrel injections (1 to ovulate, 1 to support LP), progesterone supps, & timed intercourse

We were to try this regime 2x, then move on to adding in IUI (interuterine insemination for the non-bumpies).  I was not excited to move to IUI, but I was going to try anything.  We are OOP (out-of-pocket), so meds, monitoring appts, u/s, b/w, etc was getting expensive.  We put a deadline of Christmas on our IF treatments, and prayed.

Here's the problem with ovidrelx2...I couldn't test!  Ovidrel has HCG in it, so if you test, the HPTs come out + for the first 10 or so days after.  I decided to "test out the drugs" both times.  It was awful.  It's such a tease seeing that second line and knowing it means jack!  Plus, ovidrel+progesterone made me: tired, moody, bloated, my boobs hurt, I was dizzy & nauseous, you name it I had it.  Did I mention it's an injectable drug??

That means I had to trust my hubby to play Dr (and not in a sexy way) and stick me with a needle, safely & effectively. The first time he hesitated, and I screamed "just do it already". Needless to say I had quite a bruise from that one. Fert drugs blow.  There's no other way to say it! 

So the second time on the drugs was the charm.  I am so thankful, as it was a brutal process.  I have such amazing respect for my bumpie friends that go through far more drugs, procedures and time to get their miracles.  What I've learned on the board is...IF is IF.  No matter how you shake it, it's an emotionally & financially draining experience.  I thank God everyday for my supportive circle of people who I lean on daily.  My family has been amazing!  Those that know have been supportive and patient.  My close friends that try to understand are incredible.  My bumpie family is the backbone of my sanity!  I am so blessed to have met such strong, amazing women on the boards (and some IRL), and formed some really strong bonds.  I lean on them, and I hope they know they can lean on me!  Love you girls!

Cool Baby Link

Although this is our 2nd pregnancy, I forget all the little milestones.  We still have the pregnancy books we can read together each week, but I found this really neat website that allows you to "see" what your baby looks like each week.  The milestones are also noted.  Enjoy!
Fetal Development Slideshow

It's Officially Official!

I got my second beta results today and it was 1959!!  The nurse said they were looking for about 1500, so she said "that baby is doing even more than we were expecting, congrats".  Her congrats were what made it real to me.  Our 1st u/s is scheduled for Monday 8/30, and I'll be just short of 6wks, or so.  I know we won't see much, but what a relief it will be to actually see that there's something in there growing! 

What's new with Mommy:  I have the every popular evening bloat, which starts to set in around the end of the school day, my boobs are still very sore (and I can tell a difference in size already!), I also have been burping a ton, and get short bouts of nausea and dizziness (but not too terribly bad).  Overall, I'm so busy starting the school year that I barely have time to remember I'm pregnant between the hours of 7am and 2pm.  I am blessed that the m/s or tiredness haven't bowled me over yet.  Maybe with this one I won't.  A girl can dream right?!  I hope it at least holds off until 8-9 wks, like last time.  That wouldn't be to terribly bad.    

A Gift from Daddy & your Big Brother

Today you got your first gift, from Daddy & Tyler, and I was so surprised & touched.  One day you'll know how much you were loved from Day 1, and how much you were wanted!  Mommy and Daddy went through so much to add you to our family.  I can't wait to see you in this gear in April, my little Tiger.  Hurry up Spring! 

5 Weeks

I found a very neat website that summarizes what is happening to our little lovebug each week.  Here's what it says for the 5th week:
"The tiny embryo has a head and a tail end. By this time all the building blocks for the baby's vital organs are in place.The brain and spinal chord has already started to form.Tiny blood vessels are now forming.  The embryo is taking oxygen through the developing placenta and the bag of membrane (amniotic sac) is also forming. This will contain the water(amniotic fluid) in which our baby will be protected and continue to grow. At this stage, the developing heart can be seen as a bulge. The embryo would look like a prawn in shape. At this stage the head can already be distinguished clearly from the body.  The embryo has a curved back which marks the begining of the central nervous system. The embryo is attached by a stalk to the developing placenta".

Mommy's Stats:
How far along?: 5 weeks

Weight gain/loss: have no idea!  Afraid to weigh myself, but I gained 4 lbs to get KU!
Maternity clothes?: Not yet, but lots of comfy and flowy clothes. 
Stretch marks?: nope. 
Sleep: fine so far, except for the bad dreams when I get AF
Best moment this week: my second betas & scheduling my 1st u/s!!!
Food cravings: nothing yet, but definitely picky, with nausea that comes & goes.
Gender: Chinese Gender Chart says a girl, I think it's a boy, Mike won't solidify a guess.
Belly button in or out?: In
Movement?: nope:(  Can't wait though.  I just looked up when I had my first movement with Ty.
Signs of Labor:  Well I hope not!
What I miss?: flat stomach & small boobs that didn't bounce when I worked out. 
What I'm looking forward to: Our1st u/s Monday!!!
Weekly Wisdom:  gum DOES NOT help with nausea...it just creates more spit and makes me wanna ralph!
Weekly WTF:  Seriously boobs???  You're already huge! 
Milestones: Just passed the day I had my last m/c.  That felt good!

Blood work, Betas & a Baby!

After all of these tests (brought on by IF craziness & paranoia)...

it only took a few minutes, a needle & a phone call to confirm that you're snuggling in tight my little lovebug! My 1st betas were today, and 783 confirmed that we're definitely pregnant. I can't believe it! EDD is 4/27. The perfect timing for a teacher, just a year later than I expected.

**Note: The above picture is why I tried to convince Mike to buy stock in the company that makes pregnancy tests. I know I'm not the only nut-job that wants to pee on everything to be completely sure...multiple times a day :)

OMG I think I'm PG!

What a rollercoaster we have been on the past year. Ever since Tyler turned 2, we have been trying to give him a sibling. After 2 losses, countless Dr appts, a specialist, bloodwork, procedures, fertilty drugs, and a whole lot of praying...we are finally blessed with miracle #2! I am over the moon. I have been testing since 11dpo, and it is now 18dpo...so you can imagine how many tests are floating around our house. Today I got to see the most beautiful words on a digital test, "pregnant". We are cautious, since we have had 2 other m/c. Our betas are tomorrow, so I am hoping for confirmation then. Right now, I'm just floating on air! I feel like I'm ME again, like a huge weight has been lifted. God is good!